by Izzy Kalman, MS

 

What people are saying about the seminars:

 

“I write a belated letter of grievance as regards Mr. Izzy Kalman’s appalling conduct on 27 June during his workshop, ‘Turning Bullies into Buddies.’ Even if others endorse Mr. Kalman’s tactics as fair and effective – I must herald their unscrupulousness and futile actuality. Mr. Kalman repeatedly and loudly advocated coaching sensitive children in cruelty (e.g., humiliate those who ridicule you) while shunning adult help (e.g., you are a bully…the bully will get even – if you tell). Such abhorrent techniques on their own merits license profuse immorality and evil – harkening eerily from Lord of the Flies. Yet, adding insult to injury, Mr. Kalman declared his actions carry out ‘The Golden Rule’ – a dictum that far from crushing one’s oppressors freely grants kindness and mercy in love – ‘if anyone forces you to walk with him one mile, walk with him two [paraphrased].’

Mr. Kalman’s sweeping refutation of bullying programs presumes adult intercession is analogous to ‘holding bullies responsible for the actions of victims…[and] blaming bullies for the problem.’ He exhorts a blame-the-victim stance, avows, ‘the anti-bully movement is trying by force to create a generation of saints (by advocating accountability),’ and maintains, ‘the true bully does not intend to harm anyone (as if lack of awareness erases injury and answerability).’ Mr. Kalman’s asinine assumptions – aggression is a normal, genetically programmed activity…intolerance of aggression causes aggression to escalate…if the media were to present more pleasant images and the newspapers were full of good news, we would be bored and miserable – belie God’s truth. Most disgusting was Mr. Kalman’s inexplicable nerve to again and again exemplify his injurious tactics – decreeing that ‘everyone...because they all laughed’ endorsed his humiliating jeers at a woman (one or two chuckled nervously) and deriding [‘Are you a hermit?] a man who wisely let no one ‘drive him crazy’.

Had Mr. Kalman suitably appraised his own psyche –not patently misrepresenting himself as competent to honor virtuous and moral matters – his missteps may have been less grievous and more explicable. Instead, he thrust forth discordant spiritual deficiency with revolting gall – promoting his talk as pivoting around the Golden Rule. I therefore ask that you as his sponsor make an expedient and principled start by nudging Mr. Kalman to forthrightly set aright these – and any other – errors of truth in his presentation.” – Robin Lynn Treptow, PhD, Great Falls, Montana (9.03.06) [letter to Cross Country Education]

 

 “I think this information is terrific. I wish every parent and staff member in our district could attend (including administrators)! I agree with presenter’s ideas and found some practical way to apply them.” – Marilyn Lyons, Counselor, Portland, Oregon (6.14.06)

 

“This seminar was valuable. Affirmation of the Golden Rule is appreciated and works well to empower victims to become victors and bullies to recognize true reasons of behaviors – Great tools!” – Maxine Marsolini, Author/Lay Counsel, Portland, Oregon (6.14.06)

 

“Thank you so much! Loved your workshop – I’m going home with lots of wisdom for how to help many of my clients – not just the kids that get bullied, but couples in conflict and frazzled parents who yell at their kids. I’ll be sharing the materials I purchased with school counselors, teachers and principals. Thanks!” – Patricia Edmundson, Counselor, Portland, Oregon (6.14.06)

 

“Wonderful, practical hands on material. Such simple answers, but so empowering to adults and children alike. Please keep doing these seminars and asking others to help you spread the techniques. I will do many things differently in my work as a parent (who is also a psychologist) as a result of this conference!” – Jean Linscott, Psychologist, Portland, Oregon (6.14.06)

 

“Thoroughly enjoyed it and thought the information practical and got many ideas I can use immediately. I am looking forward to talking to colleagues about the misguided bully policies in place. Loved laughing throughout the day, which makes learning more permanent.” – Jennifer Smith, Counselor, Seattle, Washington (6.15.06)

 

“This was a &?#*! great seminar! The presentation and content is important, valid, necessary, practical, simple and the topic one we need to listen to more fully in our culture. Very informative and useful applications for personal and professional arenas. I can’t wait to get &?#*!@ started!” – Patricia Crockett, Counselor/Certified Sex Offender Treatment Provider, Seattle, Washington (6.15.06)

 

“Excellent workshop. Puts a needed expertise on the bullying problem and some better ways to assist victims and bullies and define who they really are rather than the labels we place on them.” – Carla Bagby, Counselor, Seattle, Washington (6.15.06)

 

“Every human on earth should attend your seminar. Great!” – E. Jeanette Rich, Counselor, Seattle, Washington (6.15.06)

 

“Excellent, wonderful, practical help. This course should be offered to every school district!” – Meredith Baker, Counselor, Seattle, Washington (6.15.06)

 

“Very helpful for empowering children/teens and reducing staff time dealing with recurring incidents.” – Bonnie Mudge, Counselor, Seattle, Washington (6.15.06)

 

“I think this will work in my school. I will have to practice ‘the game’. It is so interesting (and hopeful) to have this bully concept be opposite of what we have previously learned. I love the practical applications. Thank you.” – Joanne McCauley, Principal, Seattle, Washington (6.15.06)

 

“I really appreciated the presenter’s sense of humor and guide to helping children become better able to solve their own problems in life. In a school setting, I feel his approach will work well. Thanks for your refreshing way of handling bullies! and victims! I love the magic responses!!” – Kris Reed, Counselor/Psychologist/Social Worker/Educator, Seattle, Washington (6.15.06)

 

“Changed the whole framework in which I think of dealing with ‘bullying’. Thank you.” – Marilyn Derig, Counselor/Educator, Seattle, Washington (6.15.06)

 

“This class was not what I expected it to be. I learned several different tactics to use in the classroom and at playtime. The calm approach can also be used in other places besides school. I wish I had taken a class like this when my children were smaller.” – Kimberly Torres, Educator, Johnson City, Tennessee (6.20.06)

 

“The most practical conference I’ve ever attended.” BethAnn Cunningham, Special Education Alternative School Teacher, Johnson City, Tennessee (6.20.06)

 

“I can’t wait to get home to my three children to start giving them some good tools. I really believe much of this involves good communication skills. I am going away from this workshop with far more skills than I expected. I am excited about sharing this info with my co-workers and community.” – Mary Misulich, Social Worker, Knoxville, Tennessee (6.21.06)

 

“Thank you for taking on the prevailing paradigm and teaching good sense. The most difficult adults I’ve ever met are people who don’t ‘get it’ that they are responsible for themselves and their problem! Thank you for your peacemaking.” – Beverly Anderson, Social Worker, Knoxville, Tennessee (6.21.06)

 

“This is the best seminar I’ve attended in years.” – Susan Baese, School Counselor, Knoxville, Tennessee (6.21.06)

 

“This was  excellent. It should work well with children when presented with win or lose – in game form so they can relate. I like the Post Extinction Burst Theory – it is so true. Before extinguishing the behavior will intensify.” – Terri Murr, Social Worker, Knoxville, Tennessee (6.21.06)

 

“Very informative and thought-provoking!” – Elizabeth Lane, Psychologist, Asheville, North Carolina (6.22.06)

 

“Mr. Kalman did an excellent job in keeping the group focused on the topic at hand (for example –presenting one or two participants from dominating the day with argumentative responses or personal opinions. There’s one in every crowd!!) Very practical, logical responses to bullying. Children want to be empowered and this is a tool to help them be so. I would recommend this seminar to others!” – Carrie Richardson, Case Manager, Asheville, North Carolina (6.22.06)

 

“Plan to utilize immediately in training staff of five residential facilities and in individual treatment for ADHD kids. Thanks!” – Linda Radeker, Counselor, Asheville, North Carolina (6.22.06)

 

“Great job. He really does a great job at teaching us that bullies are everywhere. We need to tolerate each other and stop this victim-victim aggression cycle. Izzy makes a new paradigm understandable. Best seminar I’ve attended in years. His use of role play as great.” – Doug McKee, Psychologist, Asheville, North Carolina (6.22.06)

 

“One of the best courses I’ve had in 35 years! Brilliantly simple, compassionate and effective.” – Lynne Schwab, Social Worker/Educator, Asheville, North Carolina (6.22.06)

 

“After only a one day conference I feel like I have the tools to impact the atmosphere in our school by actually ‘turning bullies into buddies’! The ‘magic responses’ and role plays make it very user-friendly. The kids are going to love it!” – Mary Salsbury, Elementary School Counselor, Billings, Montana (6.27.06)

 

“This is just what I was praying the workshop would be about. I can take something back to the school setting that I can sue right off the bat. Thanks.” – John Wyatt, Counselor, Billings, Montana (6.27.06)

 

“This approach is very similar to the one I used personally as a school counselor over a 20 year period (burned out and left school system in 1996) Most of my stress was a result of teachers who responded poorly to ‘inappropriate’ comments and behaviors of students. I never fit into the school environment because I wouldn’t join the teachers in their ostracizing the kids, by seeing them as the enemy. I’m now in private practice doing ‘Christian counseling’ helping individuals learn how to take responsibility for their own feelings/problems and become able to ‘turn the other cheek’.” – Witthar Marian, Counselor, Billings, Montana (6.27.06)

 

“I found this seminar very enlightening. It answered many questions I had about children’s behavior at school around the ‘bullying curriculum’ our district has asked to teach and why it didn’t seem to be helping our students make better choices or behave better. I appreciate your sense of humor.” – Peggy Glantz, Counselor, Billings, Montana (6.27.06)

 

“I’ve used Mr. Kalman’s material, but never thought I’d hear him speak, It was excellent; I was honored to attend.” – Glenda Barbula, Counselor/Educator, Billings, Montana (6.27.06)

 

“Excellent seminar – I expected a ‘big canned plea for ‘anti-bullying.’ What I got was down to earth suggestions based on the wisdom most of us were raised with This was a day well spent!” – Kandis Parker, Counselor, Boise, Idaho (6.28.06)

 

“Awesome, easy to use material, great stuff. I would’ve enjoyed hearing some history of his (Izzy’s) work, etc. If other participants didn’t understand or agree, it’s because they didn’t listen to the premise of presentations. Great stuff!!” – Michael Stevens, Social Worker, Boise, Idaho (6.28.06)

 

“Refreshing! It’s wonderful to have insights into bullying that are firmly based in reality! Thank you!” – Juli Bardslety, Psychologist, Boise, Idaho (6.28.06)

 

“I thought the seminar was great! I will go back to school, private practice and use the tools presented!” – Sheri Carson, Counselor (Spokane, Washington 6.29.06)

 

“I wanted to stand up and cheer after hearing these common sense ideas. It was refreshing to hear anti-bullying program thoughts.” – Richard Wilson, Counselor (Spokane, Washington 6.29.06)

 

“Great ideas. About time to address the idea of teaching resiliency in kids Makes much more sense than to try to control the rest of the world and all with whom the ‘victim’ might come in contact.” – Susan Lee, Educator (Spokane, Washington 6.29.06)

In this issue:

 

Three Cheers for the "Bully" Video Game, and a Primer on the Psychology of Violent Entertainment

Dear Reader:

About a year ago, someone at a seminar asked me what I think about a video game being developed called "Bully." I told him I hadn't heard anything about it, and that I am not very involved with video games, so I couldn't really respond. I have recently obtained some inside information about "Bully", and it's worth writing about. I am also taking this occasion to teach you about violent entertainment, something we have such strong and certain opinions about yet learn nothing about when we study psychology. I am warning you that my ideas are not popular, and that you may hate what I have to say. I hope, though, that you will read with an open mind. You should also know that it is one of the longest articles I have written in this newsletter, so budget your time accordingly.

I welcome you (if you dare!) to link to the article or copy it into your own website or publication, provided you credit the authorship and cite the source.

You are welcome to read previous newsletters and to use any articles you like in your own publication, as long as you cite the author and source.

Bullies to Buddies in the News

Education World, an excellent resource for educators, published a terrific interview with me about my views on bullying. I especially thank the reporter, Ellen Delisio, for doing such a faithful job of presenting my responses, and for doing so at such thoroughly and completely. Here is a link in case you would like to read it.

Now, for the main article.

Three Cheers for the "Bully" Video Game

and

A Primer on the Psychology of Violent Entertainment

On August 1st, my wife and I were invited by Rockstar Games to a private screening of something very few people have laid their eyes on: the soon-to-be-released video game, “Bully”. What was my gut reaction? I would love to be the first person to buy it! And I don’t play video games. I hope “Bully” becomes the most popular video game in history, for it has the potential of undoing the epidemic of bullyphobia that has ensnared the western world since the Columbine massacre.

I have little personal experience with video games because I am too old to have grown up with them. They emerged when I was in my twenties. I played a little with the simplistic ping-pong Atari games and Pac Man. Yes; they were fun, but not enough to make playing a habit. Later in my life I played some Super Mario Brothers and some martial arts games with my kids. These games were certainly more complex and visually rich, as well as good enhancers of eye-hand coordination, but still not my idea of fun.

The latest breed of video games is a world apart. They are not only about overcoming obstacles and demolishing enemies; they have life-like characters with personalities, clever dialogue, and complex story lines. These incredible games are made possible by the exponential growth in computing power and the millions of dollars the game companies invest in developing them. They involve more brain functions than previous games, and enhance not only coordination and planning but social skills as well.

In case you are not aware of it, “Bully” is the most controversial video game in history. Many child welfare advocates, based on mere rumors, are waging war against “Bully,” desperately trying to prevent its release and distribution. They are convinced that violent entertainment causes violence in real life, and terrified that this game in particular will turn our schools into Columbines.

I know that my review of “Bully” will earn me the condemnation of many of my fellow professionals. However, this will not be the first time I have come under attack for my views relating to bullying. I must, nevertheless, express what I believe is the truth.

Can Social Scientists be Biased?

There is a monolithic orthodoxy in the world of social science that believes beyond the shadow of a doubt that violent entertainment increases violence in real life, and that video games do so even more powerfully than simple viewing. Hundreds of scientific studies have supposedly “proven” this “fact”. Meanwhile, government statistics indicate a steady decrease in violence in society, including among children, over the same period that violence in entertainment – including video games -- has been increasing! If violent entertainment causes violence in real life, shouldn’t the violence statistics be going up rather than down?

The “experts” of course have answers for such questions. They will tell you that other social forces have been simultaneously reducing violence; that government statistics are misleading; that better medical care has been reducing deaths from violence so they don’t enter the statistics.

Though we often hear about the “epidemic of violence in society,” there is no such epidemic. Our society has become remarkably free of real life violence. Is it reasonable to be terrified that our own children’s schools will become Columbines? There are about 60,000 intermediate and high schools (the locations of all school shootings thus far) in the United States. Assuming two random school shootings per year, a child has to go to school an average of 30,000 years just to be present in a school during a random school shooting, not to mention actually being hit by a bullet!

No, there is no epidemic of violence in our country or our schools. What we do have is an epidemic of violence in the news. Every school shooting gets repeatedly plastered on every newspaper and on every TV set in every home, so it seems like the violence is all over the place. Humanity has been horribly violent throughout history, with the most horrific violence having occurred before television and video games existed. It would make much more sense to do scientific research to explain how violent entertainment reduces violence in real life, for that would be more in accordance with observed reality.

Still, is it possible that all the experts are wrong? Can an entire scientific discipline be biased?

I’ll answer this question with a question. Do you know how much psychologists learn about the psychology of entertainment -- about the function that entertainment plays in human life? The answer: “Nothing!” Absolutely nothing! Even though the average person spends, or would love to spend, hours a day being entertained, and entertainment has been part of the life of our ancestors from the beginning of the species, the experts in human behavior learn nothing about it. Entertainment is considered one of those minor parts of human life not deserving of serious study. The one and only thing the experts are likely to have learned about entertainment is that violent entertainment causes violence in real life. This is one thing you can be absolutely certain they were taught.

Do our experts in human behavior avoid entertainment? Of course not. They, like the rest of us, would certainly be miserable if entertainment were to disappear from life. Well, what do you think they watch -- people being nice to each other? That’s boring! There actually is one kind of entertainment in which everyone is making each other feel good. The problem is, it’s X-rated! Virtually all entertainment is full of violence. Sports, news, history, emergency room, crime investigation, police action, courtroom, adventure, science fiction, war – most of it is replete with violence. Comedy, too, is violent, either verbally or physically, though no one seems to realize it. One of the most violent TV shows is America’s Funniest Home Videos. Pay attention. In many of these video clips people are really getting hurt – and we laugh! Most of us like stories with happy endings. But only the endings are happy. The rest is misery! If our experts would like us to get rid of violent entertainment, let them be the first to throw out their TVs!

Scientists are supposed to be objective about their subject matter. Is it scientific to take a universal human activity and decide, “This is bad; let’s get rid of it”? The way Mother Nature works is that when we do something biologically good for us, we experience pleasure. When we do something biologically bad for us we have pain or displeasure. Yes, there may be negative effects of violent entertainment, but if it gives most people pleasure, it must have benefits, too. Have you heard of any research about the benefits of violent entertainment? I haven’t. Would any government agency fund such research? Would any serious journal publish it? The only thing the researchers set out to prove is how it harms people, so that’s the only result they can possibly find.

In the last week of July, I attended an international conference on research on aggression. There was a series of presentations by researchers who tried to prove that violent entertainment causes violence in real life. Not one researcher took an alternative view. Whenever results of an experiment failed to support the researcher’s hypothesis, or were contrary to the hypothesis, they were simply dismissed as failing to prove the hypothesis that violent entertainment causes violence in real life. The hypothesis remained unshaken.

One experimenter had college students play two video games, one violent, the other nonviolent. The violent one was “House of the Dead 2,” which involves killing grotesque zombies. The other game was a downhill skiing game (a very safe activity, you know). The researcher said he was perplexed that the college students found the zombie game funnier than the skiing game. Really! Doesn’t skiing just give us belly laughs? (It can, actually, when we see other people falling down or skiing into trees!) Isn’t skiing more humorous than zombies? The researcher’s puzzlement came from the fact that humor is another subject about which psychologists learn nothing. They believe that humor is positive and uplifting. They don’t realize that humor is negative and down-putting!

Another experimenter had kids view entertainment depicting “relational aggression.” She mentioned as an aside that “the entertainment had ten times more relational aggression than kids experience in real life.” She did not interpret this or give it any meaning. Didn’t anyone realize that this means children are only one tenth as relationally aggressive in real life as they are portrayed in entertainment? My wife, who attended the conference with me, caught this, but then again, she never had any academic training in psychology.

The simple truth is that social scientists with no understanding of the psychology of entertainment have made it their business to regulate our entertainment.

Our child welfare experts are afraid that a game called “Bully” is going to have a powerful, real-life impact on kids. Don’t they realize that the words of real-life authority figures influence people’s behavior infinitely more than the characters in fictional entertainment? Mental health professionals have for years been proselytizing children with “anti-bully” lessons that demonize kids as “bullies” and promote intolerance of anyone who makes them feel bad. They aren’t worried that their anti-bully lessons are going to encourage kids to do to their bullies what Eric Harris and Dylan Klebald did to theirs, but they are worried about the effects of a fictional game called “Bully”?

Having made so little progress in reducing the true challenges to child welfare, such as divorce and failing schools, our child welfare advocates have nothing better to do than to wage a crusade against the entertainment industry as though it were the number one danger to our children.

A Brief Evolutionary-Psychological History of Violent Entertainment

Let’s look at entertainment scientifically. Then we’ll be in a better position to understand violent video games.

Human beings have something we believe is far more developed than in any other species: imagination. We are not content just observing reality. Imagination frees us to endless possibilities. Imagination helps us solve problems, understand others, and escape from the momentary misery of real life. It also helps us learn from the painful experiences of others without putting ourselves in real danger. Since entertainment provides a strong positive biological advantage, it gives us great pleasure.

Before I continue, let me ask you two questions. Would you rather live a safe life or a dangerous life? Chances are you would choose “safe”. Question number two: Would you rather live a boring life or an exciting one? You probably answered, “exciting.” Guess what? They’re incompatible. Safety is not exciting. Danger is!

Long ago, before we lived in the safety of Civilization, we lived out in Nature just like all the other creatures. Life was a daily adventure. And it was the most dangerous life in the history of our species. To eat, we had to hunt wild animals that didn’t want to be hunted. We had to fight off animals that wanted to eat us for dinner. We had to fight off enemy tribes. We often faced thirst and hunger. Our women could die in childbirth. There were no hospitals to treat the sick and wounded. Our parents could go out to search for food and never come back. We constantly faced life and death challenges, and when we won, it felt fantastic.

Most mammals, including humans, engage in play. Play helps children learn the skills they need to succeed in life; in fact, playing is “school” in nature. Most mammal children, including humans, engage in playfighting. They do it because they have to develop the strength, agility, speed, coordination, and fighting skills necessary for hunting and fighting off enemies. Since it is essential for survival, Mother Nature rewards it with great pleasure. In many species, such as humans, males have a stronger genetic programming for playfighting than females because the adult male of the species played a greater role in hunting and warring than did females. Playfighting is the single most enjoyable activity children can engage in. When they playfight, they are not trying to hurt each other. In fact, they are trying to avoid hurting each other. Playfighting solidifies relationships between children because of the pleasure and physical contact they have with one another. It could be said that playfighting is as fun for children as sex is for adults.

Humans are more intelligent than other species, and because of their abstract thinking and imagination, our ancestors were able to create a more sophisticated repertoire of games than simple playfighting. They developed various martial arts like wrestling, karate and boxing that involve direct fighting but have much stricter rules than playfighting.  Despite the rules, these activities are painful and dangerous, and can lead to injury and death. When we lived out in Nature, these were common activities. As we left the hunter-gatherer lifestyle and became civilized, life became safer. It was no longer necessary to be constant hunters and warriors, so most of us traded the pain of engaging in fighting sports with the safer activity of voyeurism. It’s much healthier to pay professionals to clobber each other for our viewing pleasure than to do it ourselves. Watching skilled fighters duke it out has always been one of the most exciting activities for humans, especially males.

Our ancestors created games with a higher level of abstraction. Team sports like football, soccer, basketball, and hockey have people combating each other, but over control of a ball or a puck. Though such games are safer than direct physical fighting games, they are still a lot more dangerous than sitting in front of a TV.

Games of an even higher level of abstraction did away with strenuous physical activity altogether and replaced it with purely intellectual activity. You conduct warfare and “kill off” representations of people in games like chess and checkers, but no one gets physically injured. Player’s egos may get hurt, but not their bodies. To make the games more exciting, money wagers can be added so that there are real stakes in winning and losing.

The technological advances of the 20th century have brought an explosion in entertainment. With radio, movie theaters, and TV, and it has become very easy to gain access to simulated violence. Furthermore, entertainment technology is constantly increasing its ability to simulate violence realistically. We can spend all our time enjoying the most incredibly exciting violence, and the wonderful thing is that no one is getting hurt!

The highest level of simulated violence has come with the invention of computerized video games. You are no longer a voyeur but part of the action. You can now experience the adrenaline rush of extreme violence, danger, and competition without the risk of harming anyone! This is the highest level of entertainment mankind has ever known.

Humans have a strong genetic programming for dangerous and violent entertainment and play activities, but we also want safety and we lobby for laws protecting us from harm. Unfortunately, safety is not fun. Safety is boring, and the safer life becomes, the more boring it becomes. Fortunately, violent entertainment and video games replace the excitement of which our safe society deprives us.

Columbine: the Major Turning Point

On April 20, 1999, something happened that made society panic. Two teenagers, Eric Harris and Dylan Klebald, both victims of teasing and bullying by their peers, committed the most horrific act ever perpetrated by students on school grounds. There had been a couple of horrible incidents in U.S. schools every year for a number of years, but with Columbine, we had had enough. Such incidents needed to be prevented at all costs. Our social scientists determined that two primary culprits were to blame for Columbine and the (imaginary) epidemic of violence in schools: 1) bullies, and 2) violent video games. Unfortunately, our social scientists were wrong on both counts. It is not bullies, but people who feel like victims, that commit the most violent acts in the world. Though violent video games may be a factor for some kids who commit school shootings, these games are never the reason a kid shoots up his school.

Society reacted with panic to Columbine, and when people panic, logic can disappear. Our experts believe that to prevent future Columbines, we have to get rid of all semblances of violence. If our children don’t see or participate in violent entertainment, the experts believe, then children are less likely to engage in violence in real life.

A consequence is that we are depriving our children of the fun they are biologically programmed to crave. When I was a boy, my friends and I regularly engaged in playfighting. It was great fun. Playfighting was also a common activity during recess in school, and I don’t remember any school staff becoming overly concerned about it. In those days, real life violence was also much more prevalent than today, despite the experts who rail about the escalating violence in society. My friends and I would sometimes get into fights with neighborhood toughs, and a few times I got beat up quite severely because I was identifiably Jewish. However, these incidents added to the excitement of life. I discovered that life is not always pleasant, but bruises heal. My friends and I did not acquire Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, and we all grew up being responsible, non-violent adults.

Today, though, it is rare to see children playfighting in “civilized society”. Parents who let their children playfight risk being accused of child abuse. Shortly after the Columbine shooting, my local teacher’s newspaper printed a letter by a teacher who was horrified by two kids playfighting in school, warning that this could lead to another Columbine. Good old hysteria at work!

Fortunately, children today can experience the pleasure of violence through entertainment and video games that don’t cause direct harm to anyone. Unfortunately, because of the Columbine hysteria, we want to deprive our children of these pleasures, too! No violence at all, not even simulated! Sorry kids – you can only have “nice” entertainment, so we can have a maximally safe life. A maximally boring life as well.

It is as easy to get rid of the drive for aggression as it is to get rid of the drive for sex. You can’t just make it go away. It will rear its head in other, less controllable ways. Our experts wonder why there is an epidemic of piercing, self-cutting, tattoos, and various types of self-mutilation among our youth today. Well, what do you expect? In our drive to create a completely safe society for our children, we have made it illegal for them to “bully” each other, which means any activity that can upset anyone in any manner. They are only allowed to be “nice” to each other or we punish them. Thus, we are trying to deprive our children of the excitement and drama of life. They aren’t allowed to experience the aggression that can toughen them up, make the adrenalin rush, and prepare them for the real challenges of life, like being bullied by spouses, children, bosses and coworkers. They are becoming bored to death. So instead they get their dose of excitement by hurting themselves. It’s as though they are declaring, “You can stop me from hurting others, but you are not my boss. You can’t stop me from hurting myself. It is in my control. I am tough. I am courageous. I can cut myself and pierce myself. And you know what? I can feel the pain of life, and I can handle it!”

What is the Game “Bully” About?

Now, getting back to the video game, “Bully.” Many child welfare advocates, without ever having seen the game, believe it is the most violent video game ever. This is nonsense. There is no shooting or blood in this game. No one gets killed or permanently injured. (And even if there were guns and blood, it wouldn’t be the danger our child-protectors fear.)

One of the nice things about “Bully” is that it takes place in a world that children experience and can relate to: school. But of course that’s where the similarity ends. The school in the game, “Bullworth Academy”, is the toughest school in the country. It accepts kids no other schools are willing to handle. But the truth is that no school in the country, no matter how bad, is anywhere nearly as bad as Bullworth. It is merely a caricature.

Bullworth Academy, though, does resemble something. It looks like the world of school as depicted by our hysteria-mongering “bullying experts”.  Examine the cover of the book, “Bullying at School: What We Know and What We Can Do,” by Prof. Dan Olweus, the world-renowned pioneer of bullying psychology. The cover is graced by Hieronymus Bosch’s 16th century hyper-sadistic depiction of hell. Bestselling books on bullying by Barbara Coloroso, Frank Peretti, and Jodee Blanco outdo each other in passionate literary descriptions of the horrors of being victimized by these demons called “bullies” that have attacked 77% (a commonly bandied-about figure) of school students. Yes, Bullworth looks like the hysterical world portrayed by our anti-bully crusaders, but the likely response of any child playing this game is, “Thank God my school isn’t like that!”

Our anti-bully crusaders have conditioned us to respond with fear and loathing to the very sight and sound of the word “bully.” Hopefully, this game, by associating “bully” with a fun game, will take away some of the terror and hatred conjured up by this word.

When you play, you are controlling the hero, a boy named Jimmy. He is of average size and looks like white trash. He is deposited in Bullworth Academy by his narcissistic mother and stepfather. But you know who Jimmy really is? Lucas “Luke” Jackson, of Cool Hand Luke (the great 1967 movie starring Paul Newman) – as an adolescent!

Luke is really a Jesus figure, a misunderstood virtuous man who gets blamed for something he didn’t do and dies for our naiveté. Jimmy, like Luke, doesn’t look like Jesus, but Jesus probably didn’t, either.

Jimmy is street smart, he is moral if a bit smart-alecky, he is non-judgmental, and he is, above all, brave. You may not have thought of it, but courage is the single most admired human character trait. Courage is what turns a person into a hero. Like Luke, Jimmy takes on bigger opponents without fear. And perhaps even more importantly, without anger and hatred. Jimmy is not a mature man yet; he still has a lot to learn about life, and “Bullworth Academy”, the school of real hard knocks, is an excellent teacher. You get rewarded for helping people and punished by having to mow the lawn, for example, for hurting them (with the exception of bullies). The clever dialogue, embedded in the characters by the game’s first-rate writers, help Jimmy learn social realities. And, of course, there is the simple fun of fighting and chasing as Jimmy tries to accomplish his missions.

Best of all, “Bully” is funny! Even my wife, who is not a great fan of violent entertainment (she was crying and screaming from pain when watching The Passion of the Christ), was laughing her head off during our screening of “Bully”. The characters and dialogue are truly funny and sometimes downright hilarious. Parents will enjoy playing this game at least as much as the children. Kids can also have the illicit fun of beating up teachers in the game, though they get penalized for this pleasure.

“Bully” is not designed for teaching kids how to deal with real life bullying (I would love to be able to design a video game that teaches my rules), as it is simply meant as entertainment. I am also not thrilled that it promotes the stereotypes about bullies. This, though, is not their fault. The game, though, may have some benefits for kids beyond developing their visual motor coordination and planning skills. At the least, kids who feel victimized in real life can have the fun of defeating bullies in fantasy. The game should help free up kids’ sense of humor, as they laugh both at themselves and their bullies and learn not to take life so seriously. By “being” Jimmy, the player may over time internalize the traits of courage, resilience, and benevolence, and pick up some of the characters’ clever and cool verbal responses. (Of course, kids may also want to try out some real-life aggression, God forbid. If you’re worried about this, then don’t let your kids play sports. My surveys show that your child is thirty times more likely to be hospitalized because of a sports injury than from a fight with another kid in school).

And, most certainly of all, “Bully” is a wonderful antidote to the bullyphobia instilled in the public by well-intentioned teachers, principals, and counselors, and by the news media, which just love to broadcast the most sensational acts of bullying they can find.

So, do your kids, yourselves, your families, and society a favor. Put “Bully” at the top of your shopping list for Christmas, Chanukah, Qanzaa, Valentine’s Day, Birth Day, or Any Day. And no, this is not a paid advertisement. And no, I don’t own stock in Rockstar Video (yet).

 

Best Wishes,

Izzy Kalman

email: izzy@bullies2buddies.com
voice: (718) 983-1333
web: http://www.bullies2buddies.com

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Upcoming Seminars: Turning Bullies into Buddies

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"Bullies to Buddies: How to turn your enemies into friends!"

by Izzy Kalman

Only $15

“This book would have kept me out of the principal's office during grade school… This is a fantastic book! I agree 100% with his approach… This is the perfect book for all of us 10 years old and up… parents or kids… victims or bullies!”— Newton Hightower, LMSW-ACP, Director of The Center for Anger Resolution, Inc., Author of Anger Busting 101: New ABCʼs for Men and The Women Who Love Them

“…an important contribution…an easy to read and practical guide on how to break the behavior patterns seemingly deeply entrenched, telling victims they need not remain in this role.” —Dr. Bernie Stein, President of the International School Psychology Association, 1999-200

“I think this book is great! After reading it twice (once aloud to the grandchildren) I was impressed by the simple logic of turning bullies into buddies. We are incorporating this into our home and I am sharing the message with children I care about.” —Judy H. Wright, Parent educator, Author, International Speaker and trainer

“So far as I know, there is no other approach like it. Highly recommended.” —Sam Albert, PhD, Psychologist

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"How to Stop Being Teased and Bullied without Really Trying"

Audio CD Program (2 one-hour cds included)

by Izzy Kalman

Only $20

,“My son was teased horrifically because he tended to cry easily. Then he listened to Bullies to Buddies over the summer and the next school year was a total turn around from day one. Izzyʼs advice truly worked, it saved my son!” —Sincerely, Terri Forrest, Santa Rosa, CA

"I have listened carefully to every minute of the audio CD by Izzy Kalman on bullying and teasing. I found it mesmerizing. I was so impressed that I hired Mr. Kalman to give workshops at our Center. Mr. Kalmanʼs audio CD is the best self-help tool I have ever come across for children and adolescents. It is free of jargon and meaningless, wishful thinking. Instead, it is chock full of powerful, enhancing, empowering techniques that are easy to learn and employ. It is a must for all children, particularly those that are the target of excessive teasing and bullying. Professionals who work with children would also benefit enormously from this audio CD. On a scale of 1-10, I give it an 11.” —Dr. Steve Sussman, PhD, Director, Child and Teen Success Centers or New York and New Jersey

 

“I greatly enjoyed the information and the presenter. It was refreshing to see that ‘true wisdom’ can be taught and shared with all types of professionals. Especially quotations of great people of FAITH. I’ve learned a lot. Amazed at how things so simple was made so complicated by some participants.” Brenda George, Resource Teacher, Jackson, Mississippi (5.11.06)