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The elections are finally over and hopefully our minds
will have some space freed up for other matters.
In my last newsletter, I wrote an open letter to
terrorists, teaching them how to quickly and easily
achieve their goals. I neglected to mention that my
idea was not original, and I did a disservice to those
from whom I learned it by not mentioning them. The
idea of suicide bombers killing only themselves was
derived from my memories of Buddhist monks burning
themselves to death in the 1960's. If only modern-day
terrorists would learn from the wisdom and courage of
these Buddhist monks.
A Rough Measure of Children's Behavior Problems
In the previous issue, I presented a few rough
guidelines for assessing the prognosis for helping
couples with marital difficulties. Today I want to
present the rough guideline I use to determine how
difficult it will be to help with children's behavior
problems. In contrast to the four questions I presented
regarding marital problems, I am giving only one
regarding children. (More are possible, but this one is
very general and highly useful.)
Ask the following question: Does the child behave
poorly in all environments, or only at home?
Children who have behavioral difficulties only at home
are much easier to help than those who exhibit difficult
behavior in all situations. In almost every family, there
is one child who becomes an expert at driving their
parents crazy. Yet the very same child behaves
wonderfully in other places. Many parents tell me things
like, "I don't understand it. My kid's teacher tells me
how wonderful my child. It doesn't sound like MY kid.
My child is a monster!" The reason for this phenomenon
is that children discover how easy and fun it is to drive
their parents crazy, and the parents still give the kids
everything they need. But the kids aren't fools. They
know that if they treat others the rotten way they
treat their parents, no one will like them, they will have
no friends, and they will always be in trouble.
So when parents come to you for help with their child's
behavior, ask them how the child behaves in school and
at other people's houses.
If the parents indicate that their child misbehaves only
at home, rectifying the situation is usually quite simple.
Teaching the parents not to get angry with their
children, and providing them with effective disciplinary
techniques, will usually be enough to solve the problem.
If the child is old and/or intelligent enough, the child
can also be taught how to treat the parents better so
that the conflicts will end.
On the other hand, if the child behaves the same way
outside the home, the situation is more serious.
Occasionally, improving the way the parents handle the
child at home will have a generalizing effect on all
his/her behavior. When that happens, it is because the
child used to be so upset with the home situation that
he/she was upset 24/7. When the home situation
improves, then the child becomes happier and improves
in general.
However, if improving parenting skills at home does not
affect the child's general behavior, this is an indication
of more deep-seated emotional or neurological problems
that need to be addressed. Be prepared for a longer
and more intensive course of treatment.
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Let's Help Bankrupt the Schools |
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I often say that the best psychologists are comedians.
You are more likely to find truth about human beings
from comedians or comedy writers than from experts in
human behavior. Comedians see us for the fools we
really are, with all our faults and weaknesses.
One my favorite TV shows is South Park, created by
Matt Stone and Trey Parker, though I don't get to see
it nearly as often as I would like. The show has a bad
reputation among adults because of the off-color
language, but it is absolutely brilliant (and hilarious).
The show takes on social issues and shows us our
hypocrisy, while often giving us the sane solution at
the end.
One episode a couple of years ago dealt with sexual
harassment. After a presentation about sexual abuse
by an adult dressed in a panda suit, the kids started
suing the school whenever another child said a sexually
offensive word to them. Before long, the school was on
the verge of financial ruin.
Several months ago, the Catholic archdiocese of
Portland, Oregon filed for bankruptcy because of the
flood of suits over sexual abuse by priests.
The schools of our country are also getting on the path
towards bankruptcy thanks to the help of the
anti-bullying laws being promoted so eagerly by the
enlightened mental health professionals of the modern
world. A few months ago, a school in Anchorage,
Alaska, was ordered to pay 4.5 million dollars to a family
whose bullied child failed in his suicide attempt
but suffered irreversible brain damage. In 2002, a high
school student in Nevada was awarded $451,000
because he was harassed for being gay. Now another
Nevada student is suing the school system because she
has been harassed for being Muslim. It's only a matter
of time before we see lawyers advertising that they
can make you rich if your child is being bullied in school.
It's not that I don't have sympathy for these victims.
Of course I do. That is why I have devoted myself to
teaching people how to stop being victimized. But the
schools do not cause these problems, and the schools
can, at best, only partially reduce their occurrence. It
is absurd to hold the schools financially responsible,
especially when the very same mental health
professionals who advocate for school anti-bullying
laws don't even know how to get their own children at
home to stop bullying each other. And the truth is that
many of these tragic victims were in schools that
actually have anti-bullying programs that were trying to
help them, but they didn't succeed.
So if you hate schools and would like to see them go
bankrupt, just continue lobbying for anti-bullying laws.
And please excuse me for making a comparison
between bullying in school and sexual abuse by priests'.
Priests are adults who are trained, ordained, and hired
by the church. These priests know that sexual abuse is
a sin and a crime. The priests ARE the church, and the
church is rightfully being held responsible. Schools do
not decide which kids can attend, and the bullying is
behavior that comes naturally to kids (and adults) and
takes place in virtually all social structures. Holding
schools responsible for failing to completely stop
bullying between kids is absurd.
Best wishes,
Izzy Kalman
Click here to read previous newsletters. »
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