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Thank God for wives. I have been driving myself crazy
the past couple of years trying to get a newsletter out
every month. My wife, Miri, said I am writing about too
many things. And you know what? For a change, I
believe she is right! Why am I writing about five or six
subjects each month when most people don't even
open the newsletters, and I'm sure that most people
who do, don't read all of it anyway!
So from now on I am taking Miri's advice. I will write
about one topic, or two at most. And I will send them
out more often! I can probably do two or three mailings
a month without feeling under pressure. Doesn't the
idea of more frequent mailings from me excite you?
Ignorance of The Golden Rule
The Golden Rule - treat others as you would like to be
treated - is the essence of all morality. Yet we learn
almost nothing about it, and even those who claim to
value this rule (myself included) don't often live by it.
Usually, when we simply respond on the basis of our
gut reactions or emotions, we are likely to violate the
Golden Rule. Furthermore, the Golden Rule doesn't
require us to always be nice to others. In certain
situations, it may actually require us to kill.
The Golden Rule may sound simple. However, it is not
always obvious how to apply it, even to highly
intelligent people. For instance, one school principal
disseminated a document on bullying to the student
body. It told of the importance of living by the Golden
Rule, and any student who does not follow it (by not
being nice to other kids) will be punished. What this
principal doesn't understand is that the very act of
punishing people for violating the Golden Rule is itself a
violation of the Golden Rule. Would you like to be
punished by someone who felt you weren't being nice
to someone else? Not very likely. Then
you have no business punishing anyone else for being
mean to someone else, either. This doesn't necessarily
mean you should do NOTHING, but punishing certainly is
the wrong thing to do.
One individual, an obviously bright man, recently
emailed me saying that the results would be disastrous
if people truly lived by the Golden Rule. He said that
since he likes pork, the Golden Rule would mandate that
he serve pork to a kosher-observant Jew. This,
obviously, would greatly offend the Jew.
That email rung a bell because I recalled that I had
pondered this very same dilemma when I was a child.
But I understand now that this is concrete thinking -
that you do to others exactly what you would want to
be done to YOU. This is not what the Golden Rule
means. It requires a higher level of abstraction. Its true
meaning is "Treat others the way you would want to be
treated IF YOU WERE THE OTHER PERSON." Thus, you
should not serve pork to a kosher-observant Jew since
you, yourself, would be offended if you were a kosher-
observant Jew and someone knowingly served you
something you consider to be a grave sin to eat.
This is a relatively simple example. A more difficult
question arises in deciding how to treat criminals. For
instance, how do you apply the Golden Rule with a
serial killer?
This is how to do it. I ask myself the following
question: "If something in me were to snap and I made
it my pastime to kill innocent people, how would I want
you to treat me?" I would want you to stop me! Do
anything in your power to prevent me from continuing
my monstrous behavior! Kill me if necessary, but please
don't let me continue being a murderer! Thus, applying
the Golden Rule can even require us to kill.
A more mundane example is how do you handle spoiled
children who throw tantrums whenever they don't get
what they want? Does the Golden Rule mean we have
to grant them every wish? Of course not. I ask
myself: "How would I want you to treat me if I were
your spoiled child?" Would I want you to indulge my
every wish so that I can continue developing into a
narcissistic, immature tyrant? No. I wouldn't want you
to yell at me and punish me, but I would want you to
set limits so that I can develop self-control. Give me an
allowance so that I can learn to budget money and
differentiate between what is truly important to me and
what isn't. Let me know you love me, but don't let me
grow up believing that love means buying people
whatever they want.
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Freedom of Speech and Cursing |
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One of my weaknesses is that I am not a quick thinker.
This is quite a drawback for me when I am asked
questions at my seminars. I often regret my answers,
and later a better answer hits me, and I feel like kicking
myself for not having known what to say at the right
time.
I am a firm believer in the wisdom and morality of
freedom of speech. At my seminars, I demonstrate that
freedom of speech should apply to cursing. Some
people, though, have been so strongly conditioned
against cursing that they have a hard time accepting
what I teach even after they observe it demonstrated
so successfully.
I invite a volunteer to play student and I am the
teacher. The student is to curse me for having failed
her on a test. The first time, I refuse to tolerate the
cursing and demand an aplogy. Instead of apologizing,
the student typically continues cursing me until I blow
my stack and send her to the principal. The student
ends up hating me and she no longer wants to learn
from me. I have lost a student.
Then I start over again, and this time I do nothing to
stop her from cursing me. I only discuss with her why
she failed and offer to help her do better in school. She
almost immediately stops cursing me, and we get to
the true issue, which is why she failed and how she
can do better. Instead of losing a student, I end up
with one who has a better attitude towards education.
Two audience members obviously had difficulty
accepting this. One said that he sets limits on cursing.
When I asked him how he does it, he couldn't give me a
clear answer. I assume this means that he punishes
kids if they go beyond his limits for cursing, whatever
those limits may be. Another man said that the third of
the Ten Commandments forbids us to blaspheme with
God's name.
This was close to the end of the seminar and I was
running out of time. There was another important topic
I wanted to cover, so I hastily gave a couple of replies
about how we are punishing our kids because of
ancient superstitions, and impatiently added that no
one is required to accept anything I teach at my
seminars. I finished the seminar with a lousy feeling,
knowing I had done a poor job with this.
This is what I wish I would have explained. It is
perfectly okay for you to believe that cursing and
blaspheming are terrible behaviors that offend God.
If this is your belief, don't curse or blaspheme. But did
God commission you to be His personal agent to punish
others for not doing what is written in the Bible? Where
in the Bible are you instructed to punish others for
doing things He considers offensive? In fact, the Bible
tells us repeatedly that we should not judge (except
for those individuals who are specifically appointed to
serve as judges). Someone else's behavior may be
immoral, but judging them and punishing them for it is
likely to be even more immoral than whatever they are
doing.
If you want to teach people how to behave
morally, the best way to do it is by acting morally
yourself. When people like you and respect you for your
moral behavior, they are likely to follow in your
footsteps. But if you judge them and punish them, they
will hate you and want to continue doing the very
behavior you are trying to extinguish.
Furthermore, if God disapproves of cursing and
blaspheming in His name, do you really think He needs
our help to punish those who do it? Feel free to show
others where in the Bible God prohibits cursing and
blaspheming. But it is not our business to punish others
for Him.
Wishing you all the best,
Izzy Kalman
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