Victim’s Manual
Lessions:
“ heard your Momma goes food shopping in the dumpster. ”
How to Stop Being Teased and Bullied Without Really Trying
by Izzy Kalman, MS
Lesson Four
HOW TO HANDLE RUMORS
If you are a teasing victim, chances are that you are also a victim of rumors. Kids can torment you not only by saying insults to your face. They can also do it by saying bad things about you behind your back, then other kids come and tell you what's being said about you. The following conversation between Rob and Cindy is a typical example of how it happens:
Rob: I heard your mother sleeps in a dumpster.
Cindy: That's not true!
Rob: But that's what everyone is saying.
Cindy: They're all big liars! Tell me who is saying it!
Rob: Everyone is.
Cindy: I want to know who started it! Tell me who started it!
Rob: I don't know who started it. But everyone knows it's true.
Cindy: It is not true! And you better stop saying it!
Rob: I'm not saying your mother sleeps in a dumpster. But everyone else is.
Cindy: Oh, I'm going to kill the person who started this rumor!
Rob: But it's true, isn't it?
Cindy: It is not true! You better not believe it! It's a big fat lie!
Rob: But I think it is true. Everyone is saying it, so it must be true.
Cindy: It is not true!
And so on, and so on. This conversation can go on for a long time. Now, what is really happening here? Cindy is told a mean rumor by Rob. Then she starts defending herself and her Mom from the rumor, and tries to make the rumor stop. But is she succeeding in convincing Rob that it is not true, and is she making him stop repeating this rumor?
No, she is not succeeding at all. Rob continues repeating it, and enjoys getting Cindy upset. And the thing is that Rob doesn't really believe the rumor. Of course Cindy's mother doesn't sleep in a dumpster. But Rob sure is having fun getting Cindy upset with this rumor. Cindy thinks that she has to defend her family from this lie. But as soon as she defends herself, she is automatically the loser. Why? Think of a court scene. Who is in the stronger position, the accuser or the defendant? The accuser, of course! It is very uncomfortable to have to defend yourself in a court of law. The accuser is on the top, and the defendant is on the bottom.
When someone brings you a rumor, what he is really doing is playing a game with you. The game is to try to make you defend yourself from stupid rumors. It's very easy to fall into this trap. Your instinct tells you that you are being threatened and must defend yourself in order to win. But as soon as you defend yourself, you automatically lose, because you put yourself in a weaker position than your accuser! And the harder you try to make the rumor stop, the more you look and feel like a loser.
So what should you do if someone brings you a rumor? Don't be duped into the trap of defending yourself. Win the game by turning the tables on the rumor-bringer. Make him defend himself. How? By using the following four-word question: "DO YOU BELIEVE IT?" It works like this:
Rob: I heard your mother sleeps in a dumpster.
Cindy: Do you believe it?
Rob: No.
Cindy: Good.
And that's the end of that. Rob has nothing more to say about the rumor.
But what if Rob answers "yes," that he does believe it? Then it goes like this:
Rob: I heard your mother sleeps in a dumpster.
Cindy: Do you believe it?
Rob: Yes.
Cindy: You can believe it If you like.
Again, Rob gets stuck, with nothing smart to say. If he keeps asking if it's true, just keep telling him he can believe it if he wants to. You see, Rob wants to make you the defendant, because that puts you in the lower position and he wins. So refuse to defend yourself. Make him defend himself. By asking him if he believes it, you are really asking, "Are you really that gullible?" And if he is dumb enough to say that he believes it, well, that makes him stupid, which should be just fine with you.
What if the rumor is something that is true? What should you do then?
The answer is that it makes no difference. It's just like with name-calling. The real reason they call you names has nothing to do with the truth. It only has to do with making you the loser. Whatever gets you upset, that's what they will say. So if you want the rumors to stop, whether the rumors are true or not, just ask the person bringing you the rumor, "Do you believe it." And be sure to say it as calmly as possible. Do not get angry or upset about the rumor, or others will be more likely to believe it is true. And don't try to find out who started the rumor. You must let everyone see that you truly don't care about the rumors, and if they enjoy spreading rumors about you, it's perfectly OK with you.
There is one possible exception. When people who truly care about you ask about a rumor, and you really want them to know the truth, then tell them. But don't get into a long discussion. Tell them one time only. If they say they don't believe you, do not defend yourself! Just say, "You can believe it if you wish." It goes like this:
Rob: I heard your parents are getting divorced.
Cindy: No, they're not.
Rob: But that's what everyone is saying. Is it true?.
Cindy: Do you believe it?
Rob: Yes.
Cindy: Well, you you can believe it if you wish.
Rob: But is it true?
Cindy: I already told you. If you want to believe it, that's your choice.
Lessions:
